I Guess I Am Too Comfortable - 8/10/2008

I Guess I Am Too Comfortable

Often, when I ask why someone thinks they are stuck in one place, or on a plateau of one kind or another, or not growing in any aspect of their lives or practice, they are silent for a moment and then in a low tone they end up saying something like, “I guess I am too comfortable.”

Ugh! My usual reaction is generally to close my eyes, look down to the ground, take a deep breath and let out an audible sigh, before I lift my eyes to be sure I have solid contact with theirs and ask (sometimes with a bit of a tone I must admit), “And just what does being comfortable have to do with success?”

Figuratively speaking, how does sitting under a blanket, on a tufted couch, in front of a fireplace contemplating what you are not doing well comfort you?  And what does that have to do with correcting the issues (that way down deep you know are there) that are holding you back from becoming all that you want to be?

Comfort is indeed a warm and fuzzy feeling and while there are indeed times to just kick back, hang out, laze around and get comfortable – that is not what we are talking about here – and you know it.

We are not talking about you being comfortable and not doing or achieving anything simply because you do not want to be uncomfortable.  We are talking about you not wanting to attempt to do something rather than failing or your fear of criticism or rejection or loss of some kind -- if you take a risk, confront, get into action or attempt to do something uncomfortable.

Whew, that is a mouth full and a lot to digest.  All I know from what I have learned over the years, is that as a coach if I do not either put you in a place where you are uncomfortable or encourage you properly to become uncomfortable, YOU WILL NOT GROW.

Ultimately you must resolve the “reasons, alibis, excuses, rationalizations and defense mechanisms that you have habitually used to feel safe and comfortable instead of handling the issues the need to be handled so you can grow.

Wanting to be comfortable at any cost, costs confidence, success, prosperity, happiness and fulfillment.  How does that feel? Too high a price?  I think so, and I am sure you to too.

So, what to do?  In fact, that is the number two question I get all the time (the number one question being how do I get more new patients) is, “Larry,  What do you think I should do?”  I’d rather you ask, who should I be or become, but I will attempt to give a good answer to a poor question.

And the answer is – learn to deal with and then over come your fears, for that is what you are hiding from when you want to be comfortable.  The six basic fears are fear of the unknown, abandonment, loss, rejection, failure and success – and then of course all their sub-headings like fear of criticism, risk, embarrassment, death, ill health and poverty, etc.

Remember too, that most of the problems you face do not belong to you in the first place.  They are passed on to you from you mothers, fathers, teachers or preachers and although adults now, you chose to keep them.  Basically you are either aligning with a parent’s good or bad characteristics or running from them and going the opposite way.

As an example, your father was a controlling person who consumed all the space and makes all the decisions for people whether they liked it or not (an 8 enneagram characteristic).  So either you emulated and modeled him (to get his love and attention) or you ran from him because you hated the feeling he gave you and became a non-confrontational peacemaker afraid of taking a leadership role.

The cure is to embark upon a serious program to deal with the fears, neutralize them and turn them into great assets for you growing confidence and success.

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